Lost in Motherhood
Ever since I had my son, Elliott, my identity was to me, a mother. My life revolved around him since the day he was born. My days and nights was and is catered to him as I fed him, changed his diapers, sang to him, played with him, cuddled with him, and loved him. But somewhere along these past two years I have lost myself and allowed myself to be lost as it was easy to fall into the motherhood void. This meant I declined going out with friends on the weekends, I quit going out for food dates, and more importantly I declined to care for myself. Like I said, it was easy to get lost in this motherhood void of caring for a new human being.
I had a sense that I would get this way when I became pregnant. Something clicked in my mind that told me, “I need to finish school before I have no time to myself”, so I did. I finished a course that I dropped out of in 2015 or 2016. Shortly after, I decided to find a career that I can excel in, so I went back to school when Elliott was five months old. Funny how I thought I would have no time for school, but here I was trying to get a good job by having an education to have a better life for my family and I. Anyways, I did this not on my accord, but because my son motivated me to better for him.
I feel like the last three years have been dedicated to my son and our future and this is because of him. Knowing you must become suddenly responsible for a human for the rest of your life does that to you.
Although, I have made a lot of adjustments in my life, it was just because I was a mother. Nothing more, nothing less. I was a mom and I was doing everything a mom should do for their children, and for three years I was on some sort of auto-pilot that led me to where I am today. I am incredibly grateful to have Elliott and to have and share my life with my little family, but along the last three years as a mother I lost who I was. There was no time for me between chores, entertaining a now toddler, and school/work as I felt drowned being this new identity of a mother. I unable to be me, who ever that was.
I allowed myself to think that, as a mother I had to be busy and that there was no time for me in this chapter of my life. I put myself on the back burner, like many mothers do and went through the day-to-day motions. As a result of hiding behind motherhood, my topics of conversation always ended up being my son because, I had nothing else to talk about. Though, ever so lovingly, I showed photos with classmates and coworkers. Shared my cute experiences about Elliott and the silly little things he does. Never did I extend the conversation to my interests other than, Elliott. I didn’t have many interests other than religiously watching my favorite YouTube channels like, Mia Maples, Jeffree Star, Simply Nailogical... Just to name a few. I don’t know many people who knows YouTube like I do, so that was never brought up much.
But, since my interests are uncommon, I hid behind my mother identity as I felt like the people around me wouldn’t care much about my obsession for YouTube (lol). It is easier to hide my true self behind motherhood than it is to reach out and find new friends with similar interests. Let alone, keeping friends with the same interests as I am and have always been low-energy and an introvert. It’s hard to make plans with people who don’t have children, who don’t want to just visit, and who doesn’t understand that my last minutes cancellations are just because I’m tired. Despite my cancellations and low-energy, I have made a few friends so far and have kept some old and meaningful relationships that I will always cherish!
With that being said, It has been a long journey as a mother and I don’t plan on taking that identity away, but I do miss being myself. I’m learning to put myself out there more often, to make my own plans and do hobbies that I would love to get into. I’m learning who I am, and I can be while still being a mother. I’m trying to get that balance of both worlds now which is why I have this blog set up! I am finally committing to myself and my well-being. Overall, I think this is a good start to a better and healthier lifestyle.
Finally, I have come to understand that I am me, but I am also many things. I am a mother, a friend, a gamer, a writer, a jeweler, a make-up and skin care enthusiast, and soon to be seamstress and whatever else I choose to be.
If you are a mother or parent who has felt the same way that I have, let me know in the comments and share you experience with me. We’re all in this together either virtually or in person! I hope you can find time to truly care for yourself because, your time is valuable, and you will never be able to take the time back.
I encourage you to push yourself, make new friends, start new hobbies, and do things that make you uncomfortable.
Until next time internet pals,